A place to discover poetry and stories inspired by Gods Way of Love

Friday, August 1, 2014

My Rainbow City experience - Love in Action

So what is Rainbow City and how did I get to experience it ?

 On the home page to Rainbow City, the opening line states "Our goal is to create a platform for people to live their Truth, and empower from within ".  www.rainbowcityuk.com/

I met Anthony and Gina just over a year ago when I was working at 'SAF' vegan restaurant, they popped in for food one night before Anth was DJ'ing at a party. I knew straight away when I saw them both that they were on a mission, both beaming, full of passion,smiles and in Love. We got talking, and of course we all shared a lot of the same visions and passions regarding health, fitness and the development of Love for humans and the planet. At the time I was at a pretty low point, life had hit me with a few twists and turns, the wind had been knocked out of me, and so meeting these two was such a blessing. They reignited my desire for what was possible as a human, and they reminded me what is needed to take things to the NEXT LEVEL !

I would later see them both now and again at the 'Paravana' parties which Anthony hosts with his friends in London www.paravanaproject.com. We would have little catch ups as to where we are at, and talk about what is going on for us all. It was at one of the parties this year in May, sat on the roof top in the hot sun, deep house music in the back ground that than Anthony said to me 'Mate, we're set up now, are you coming to Portugal or what ? You've been saying that you have wanted to come for a while now, I know it's gonna be massive for you, I know its gonna help you take things to the Next level , just come mate ... if not now ? when ? ( 'Next level' and 'If not now, when' are now a part of my vocabulary ) . Two days later, I went online and booked my flights . First rule of taking things to the Next level is 'ACTION'. (if you see what these guys have built in just eight months, you almost wouldn't believe it ... action )

So whats going on in Portugal you might be thinking ?

Well, it's here in the mountains of Portugal that Anthony and his friend Dan bought land at the beginning of this year, with the desire to take their lives to the ... yes you've guessed it ... the Next level ! This creation however is not just taking their own lives to the next level, it is also contributing to the greater good. Anth often says 'What's healthy and Loving for me, will also ultimately be healthy and Loving for the planet'.

So what does Next level living look like ? This - WOW !!!

So these are the Domes that I stayed in. Both have 2 bedrooms on raised platforms inside. Both equipped with kitchens. Dome 1 is the yoga fitness, DJ space ( with mega speakers). Dome 2 is the movie, educational  youtube room and it also has a bathroom. The hot or cold shower is outside, awesome experience getting washed with nature in the sun !

Both are unique in their energy, just depends on your desire as to which one you feel best at home in. That's another amazing feature at Rainbow City, you are encouraged to do what ever you feel like doing, but of course, your actions would require the boundaries of Love. There is never a sense of 'You have to do this or you have to do that', and that's because Love never forces anyone to do anything, and so through this experience, I really got to experiment with my free will, its really liberating, and its what is missing in our general society, hence why we often feel so controlled in our daily lives. By the way- there are no alarm clocks at RC.

Taking away control, empowering self motivation and personal responsibility in the direction of Love is what I really felt whilst staying at Rainbow City.

How are those qualities playing out at RC ? Well, for starters, they have taking personal responsibility by sourcing their own shelter, water, food, and solar energy. Providing these resources for yourself is a MAJOR step into self Love, the reason being is because when you are providing for yourself, there is no demand or expectation coming out of your Soul saying 'The government or a business or whoever should provide these resources for me'. Why is this a major step into Self Love? Because demands and expectations are not Loving, its that simple. The more personal responsibility you take for your own life, the more Love you will feel in return. Where are you not taking personal responsibility in your own life ? Always an important question to ask on the path to Love and Freedom

I naturally lent myself to the garden. Weeding, watering and clearing shrubs to expose the abundance of grapes which litter the borders of the garden. I had forgotten how truly amazing growing food is. I fell in love with it again. I was a bio dynamic gardener in England for two years in the past, but it had been a while since I had my feet in the soil ... I felt truly blessed. When you grow your own food, your sense of appreciation deepens far beyond you could imagine, this is because you value the hard work and effort that it has taken you to grow your own food, you literally receive the fruits of your labour- and thus you grow in Love. I especially loved watching the clean lines of carrots and beetroot tops grow in their rows, they should be ready to harvest now, that I wish to see ! On the land there is also an abundance of fruit trees, close to five hundred I think, sound like paradise or what ... free food, free water, free energy ... FREE - DOM !

Raw organic vegan food is one of the main focuses at RC. And right behind that core value is physical fitness.
In London I have been used to living 'the raw vegan fitness lifestyle' for around 6 years, however, I was well aware that I was not at the top of my game, I knew what my addictions were in the vegan junk food world, and I knew that I was not as fit as I could be. This, I must say,  all became exposed when I arrived at RC.
To be honest it was a little disheartening to come face to face with that truth, to realise that I was not entirely living my life in London to the full potential of what was possible in regards to health and fitness. I had to eat some humble pie and ask myself  'Why am I not loving myself enough to provide my body with more exercise and the most nutritious organic food available to me' ? As disheartening as it was, the beauty of this truth uncovered was that I decided to change ! Everyday for two weeks I was 100% raw and I did yoga for 1.5 hours a day at least, and I bashed out a few circuit training sessions on the pull up bar with press ups and sit ups.

After the first week, my body literally started to change shape, and my desire had returned to take my health and fitness to the Next level. Eight days in the subject of water fasting was a hot topic between us. And so that was it, we decided to do it ! I have done a seven day water fast in the past, but this time I just did two days, as I was due back to London, and so I wanted to break my fast and enjoy the lavish fresh fruit that was available here. However, those two days had a massive impact on my being on every level. Excess fat dissolved, my body toned and detoxified, I felt trimmer and swifter around the garden. Also my will power and excitement turned up a notch, and I began to really love myself again and I was sure more than ever that on my return to England I would not slip back. And I haven't ... not even nearly !

Anth and I spent most mornings sitting on the decking with a green tea, feeling the sun warm up. We chatted at lot, and I got to have some great self reflection time. One of the things which inspires me most about Anthony is his 'No Fear' attitude - TO EVERYTHING ! We talked a lot about fears and I realised that I have more fear than him in certain areas, but that's Ok, Im aware now, and I know what needs to be done. Anth explained how this project tested him on every level possible, and was the most challenging time of his life, however, the lessons and growth accomplished will never be lost. That's the thing with Desire, when you go for what you 'think' you want, Gods laws and the universe will make it possible for you to achieve it, but be aware, you may also have to face every fear and block in order to achieve what you want - How much do you want it ? But there is a sweetness in smashing through your fear, because when you do, your Soul expands in Love and you get to feel and embody the power of that. I learnt a lot from our green tea chats. Truthful chats are the key though. Truth and Love fit together like a glove. Truth is like a hammer which cracks open the heart for Love to enter. "Telling the Truth and making somebody cry is better than telling a lie and making someone smile "- Paulo Coehlo. Gotta be prepared for those kinda talks on this path to Love.

So how would I some up my time at Rainbow city. Well, Anthony was right when he said to me that coming over to Portugal would be massive for me. I feel the best I have ever felt in my Life, RC did for me what it says on the tin 'Created a platform for me to be empowered from within'. I left Portugal feeling more powerful and healthy then when I went in. I was back on track.  My experience staying at RC has truly inspired me and I am living each day back in London Next level. I feel a huge well of gratitude that Anthony had the courage to follow his dream, because its inspired me greatly to follow mine, take action and to face my fears. And that's the power of Love you see, its infectious, and so I encourage you to follow your dreams - and if the whole world followed their Loving dreams, we would create Peace on Earth.

Just before going to Portugal I had being praying to God for assistance in my growth and development. I truly believe my prayer was answered, and that I had been guided to Rainbow City Portugal, because here I was able to embody and feel about the many necessary purposes of life and reflect on the purpose of my own life. Being here I was able to see what it means to take Action on a superior level and to walk the walk.  Because of our connection and contribution to each others lives, I have been invited to stay in Portugal anytime I want to help co-create this patch of Paradise on Earth, so watch this space guys, you never know what dreams may come ! I just have to decide really ! We all do ... and together we can do it ... just decide x

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


Do you Love me ?
Yes, I have always Loved you.
Always ?
Yes, always.
Even when I did something wrong.
You have never done anything wrong. You have either hit the mark of Love, or you have missed the mark of Love.
So what about when I missed the mark of Love, did you still Love me then ?
Yes, I still Loved you.
Really ? How come ?
Because I am more forgiving than you are.
Forgiving ? ... So did you forgive me when I missed the mark of Love ?
I forgave you before you missed the mark of Love. In fact, I knew before you that you would miss the mark of Love, and I forgave you in that instant.
What ! even when I ...
Yes, even when you ...

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Your life in the passion wagon

When my heart felt this Love from God it over flowed and broke me into tears, for at last I felt it to be True. All the theory I had learned was finally in my heart ... God exists, and not only that... God loves me ... Always.

It took me a long time to feel this, and I had doubted it many times, but when it happened, there was no denying it ... my heart cracked open and the love poured in. 

Now, there is no way for me to share this feeling with you, for words cannot express it. Even if I did have the words to convey it, you still couldn't believe me, for it is a feeling which has to be felt in your own heart ... so you have to become the seeker.

Mark 6:52

for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.

So why doesn't everyone feel Gods Love easily ?

Well, I realised that you have to 'really want to receive this Love from God, with a 'passionate burning desire ' ...Why ? because God wants us to live a passionate burning desirous life ... Why would we choose a luke warm life ? Only because of fear right ?  Passion and desire are the ingredients to a fulfilling life, when mixed with Love 'miracles' happen ! ... Follow your passions and desires, don't give into fear.

So why does God wait to feel your passion and desire ?

Well, I believe this is how God teaches us how to lead a passionate life ... and to also teach us about the loving use of free will.

What happens when I receive Gods Love ? 

In my experience, when I receive Gods love, its like all MY IDEAS about myself and the universe become in alignment with how God feels about me and the universe, and thus I learn Gods Truths ... the absolute Truth.  Any belief that I had which was not in harmony with Gods Truth becomes corrected, and then the Love in my life and the Love in my heart becomes refined and more pure, because my Truth is now in alignment with Gods Truth, the Creator ! ( its like having an instruction book )

A lot of people who read this wont have much of a clue what I am talking about, and I didn't understand this myself until recently. A few years ago I absolutely did not believe in God. If this information interests you, send me a message I can direct to all the information you need to learn about what I am talking about.

I had to process many emotional blocks in my heart to even begin to be in a state of receiving of Gods Love. I remember my first block was to even recoginse that I had soul. I cried for about an hour non stop when I felt that I actually had soul. This grief came from understanding that I had spent 33 years of life denying and suppressing my very own soul, this was a major step for me being able to feel my emotions. Again, you may 'think' you have a soul, but 'feeling' you have a soul is something different all together. Its very emotional.

Whence I could feel my own soul, the next logical step in my experiment was to ask/pray to be able to feel Gods soul, to see if she really existed. Eventually, after lots of prayer and emotional processing through my own 'passionate burning desire' to know the Truth, I eventually felt Gods soul, and I eventually felt Gods Love enter my soul. Again, this made my cry as it was so overwhelming.

 From this experience, I realised that if I am to receive Gods love, then I am gonna be overwhelmed every time, and through this experience, I broke through another one of my blocks, 'my embarrassment' of being overwhelmed . I realised that feeling overwhelmed helped me feel more 'Alive', which is the whole point of life right ?  To feel Alive !

 But often we shut down our overwhelming feelings in front of others for the simple fact that we feel embarrassed or ashamed of what people will think of us when they see us overwhelmed ... we gotta hold it together right ? Wrong !  Allow yourself to feel overwhelmed with your emotions, its the key to feeling alive and the key to being Real.

When you allow yourself to feel overwhelmed, you open your heart to feel overwhelmingly Loved and overwhelmingly happy and overwhelming things will start to happen in your life, things you never thought possible. Sometimes through the process you may have to experience some overwhelming pain, but in the end the Joy will remain in your heart.

 Imagine if the whole world followed their dreams, followed their passions, followed their desires, followed their Love - and not only that, but also prayed to feel the Love from God which I speak of, this Love which transforms your soul into the most incredible human you have ever seen or been - to grow into the 'perfected soul' in Love ... It literally would heal the world.

So go on, do yourself and the world a favour, tip yourself over the edge, take yourself out of your comfort zone, allow yourself to be overwhelmed and live the life you desire.
Now then, the road is long, and road is narrow, and it might be a struggle, but Hey ... wouldn't it be worth the pursuit ? I think it would...

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” - Paulo Cohelo

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Love always conquers fear

Why is there so much fear and destruction in the world ?
-because we simply do not have enough faith in Love !

A year ago or so I was personally confronted with one of my greatest fears, it was a life changing moment, and it happened in a way that I never thought possible. If I hadn't experienced this, I may not believe what I am about to tell you - Love always conquers fear - no matter what !

Here is what happened a year ago... True story.

After a series of events I found myself living back at my Mums place for a few months. This was the same house that I grew up in as a child. I lived on a rough council estate in the North of England where crime, drugs, gangs and hard violence were notorious and 'normal'. Once, the police were called out to my Mothers house for a suspicious break in. The police found a man hiding underneath one of the beds, on the floor laid an 'axe' ... and he was later identified as my Mothers next door neighbour. He broke in because he knew my Mother was on holiday and wanted to rob the place. That's the type of neighbourhood I'm talking about !

Anyway, back to the night that changed my life ...

I left the house one dark winters night to go to the bar I was reluctantly working at for a short time. Walking over the short patch of wet grass to get into my car I suddenly heard screaming and shouting. A girls voice was screeching "get off me, get off me" !
My heart started to beat fast, and as I looked across the cold street I saw a young man violently pinning a young girl up against a pebble dashed stonewall under an amber lit street light. In the years leading up to that night, I had often pondered the question 'What would I do if I ever saw a man attacking a women'.  I would propose that question to myself because I knew of my fear of violence, and I had wondered 'what would Love do in that situation'? I had figured that, for some reason one day I would probably find myself in that position, and here I was. So, what did I do ? ...

In that fearful split second moment, I had so many thoughts flashing through my mind. Do I just get in my car and let them get on with it, its not my business, it's just a couple having a fight right ? ... I can't do that, what if she's getting hurt, raped, mugged or killed. Shit, what do I do ? What if he's got a knife ? What if I go over and then I get badly hurt ? I've never been in a street fight before, what do I do ? Do I just run over and smash him ? But then 'I am' being violent, shit, but he is hurting her, so he deserves it right ? fuck, fuck fuck ... Why am I so scared, I'm such a coward, what if I just pretend its not happening and walk away ! 'You can't walk away' another voice loomed in, 'this is your law of attraction, this is a fear which needs to be conquered so that you can grow and experience a greater demonstration of Love'. I then understood what I needed to do.

Before I knew it, I found myself walking across the dark street shouting "Hey, do you two need any help". Startled, they stopped shouting and they both looked my way. The young man had his arms tightly wrapped around the girl which made her look like she was in a straight jacket. Her arms pinned to her sides. Not wearing many clothes for a winters night. As I got closer I noticed that there was blood on their hands, but I sensed that neither of them were badly hurt.

"Mate" he shouted to me in a strong Hull accent. I stood about two meters away.
"Mate, I'm trying to stop her from killing herself . She's got a piece of glass in her hands and wants to slash her wrists. I'm her boyfriend". So this was not the situation I was expecting,
I looked at her hands, it was true. Good job I didn't just run in and smash him. The girls head was now slumped forwards with her long blonde hair covering her face. Ashamed to look up I sensed.
"Mate, we've just been at a family house party around the corner " he said with a slurry voice. "We've both had a few drinks and we've had a really good night until now. When she's had a drink, she always gets really depressed and does crazy shit like this. She's done it before loads, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop it ".

For some reason I felt really calm.
"Whats your name mate" I asked him.
"Whats your girlfriends name ?"
"Ah right... my names Perry" I softly said."Is it true Sarah what Pete is saying". She nodded slowly.
"Do you know why you do this Sarah". There was a pause of silence. I knew why of course, but I needed to get into her heart, because this was the only way out of this mess.
"Because nobody loves me, so there is no point being here"
"Its not true mate, its not true mate" Pete painstakingly interjected. "It's not true, I love her".
"I don't believe him" Sarah quietly said shaking her head. "He just says that".
"Well, for someone who doesn't love you, he is sure not doing a bad job at stopping you from killing yourself " I said. Still no response from her.
"I tell her all the time mate but she never believes me" said Pete, still gripping her tightly, just as tightly as Sarah was squeezing the sharp glass.

Ok, 'here goes' I thought. I then kinda blanked everything else out, but I was totally aware of what was happening around me. I could hear Peter talking to me, chatting away, telling me his and her story. But my focus was now on Sarah, I watched her slumped over in the tightly gripped hold. There was no response from her, she was totally shut down emotionally. It's time to talk to her heart I said to myself, and then for the next few minutes I talked to her whilst she was absolutely silent. Initially I became self conscious and I thought it was a silly thing for me to focus on her in this way, but that was my fear creeping in. My fear of expressing Love.

and so my prayer to her went something like this ...
"I knew a girl who once used to self harm Sarah. Do you know that ? And she would think thoughts just like you do. But she is ok now. She got through it. She had slashed herself Sarah many times before because she didn't believe that people could love her, and cutting herself felt much better and more calming than the feeling of not feeling love. But through a series of events her heart opened, and now she feels love and she doesn't do it anymore.She has her down times of course, but she doesn't cut herself. I mean, I've been there myself Sarah. Many of us have been there. I know you might not believe me but I've thought in the past that life would be better if I also just killed myself, that people and the world would be much better off if I wasn't around, I used to think that I was just a waste of space. I promise, I've not been far from where you are now".

Silence, only silence, however I could now sense that she was listening, and most importantly her heart was listening, but she didn't respond. She still had her hand wrapped around the shard of glass like a knife. Pete was still gripping Sarah's arms down tightly.

"Many people love you you know. And in time you will feel it. I know right now in this moment you can't ever imagine that happening, I know you feel it's impossible, I've been there, and I still am sometimes, I know how it feels to not feel love, but it will happen. Pete loves you, and even I love you... a stranger. I was scared to come over, but I've come over here because I love you both, I wanted to help, how many strangers do you know who would do that. You are loved Sarah ... you are Loved, you - are - loved, do you know that ? you are loved ... "

In that moment, there was complete stillness, and complete silence from us all. It was like we were all contemplating what had just happened.

And then I heard it ... Smash !
Sarah had dropped the glass on the concrete path ... and with it her heart cracked too, and at last, the loved poured in, and she started to cry. Pete, exhausted, slowly let go of his grip in astonishment and relief. Sarah paused for second. She didn't say a word,  she just slowly walked off into the night with her hands over her eyes crying. "Thanks Mate" Peter said as he looked at me astonished, "thanks mate", he then walked after her, I never saw them ever again.

I walked to my car and sat in the drivers seat in disbelief at what had just happened. With my straight arms stretched out, I put both hands on the steering wheel and looked out through the windscreen at the street lamp where we just were, and I took a deep breath and held it. I reviewed in slow motion what had just happened. When I finally registered the whole event from the beginning to the end I collapsed on my out breath and folded into sobbing tears, for I had just personally experienced that Love, will always conquer fear- no matter the situation, and miracles will seemingly appear, my prayer had been answered. I hope this restores your faith in Love.


Monday, April 28, 2014

What am I a madman

What am I a madman for I believe another way,
a way you do not know,
a way you have yet to discover,
a way in which you grow.
...a higher love

What am I madman for I feel that which you do not feel,
a feeling that your heart is closed,
a feeling which my heart is exposed
a feeling that my heart must know.
... a higher love.

What am I a madman for baring you my soul,
for sharing you a way,
that's as narrow as a boat,
stead fast as it goes
to a place not many know,
... a higher love.

What am I a madman

Monday, April 21, 2014

The Great experiment

I have been wanting to talk about today's subject for a while, because it's a subject I am passionate about, I feel one cannot fully explain this subject in one short blog post, however, today I have found a way to give you a brief insight into my journey towards discovering God. ( Holy shit did I just say discovering ‘God’? That's right, I did.)

'You ask me how I became a madman. It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen -- the seven masks I have fashioned and worn in seven lives. I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, "Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves."
Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me.
And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, "He is a madman." I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, "Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks."
Thus I became a madman.
And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.
But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.' - Kahil Gibran. 

 The walking wounded:
 That's how I feel sometimes, and that's how I often see humanity... walking and wounded. Ask most folk, ‘hey how are you feeling?' 'Fine they say, I'm fine’ - Walking wounded may I suggest.

 We are often so numb to the painful emotions deep within us that we do not even know that they are there, we do not even know that we are wounded, our pain thresholds are so high ! We are so desensitised to pain its incredible. Pain has become so 'normal', we actually believe that it is natural to feel pain, and that this is how things are supposed to be - 'that's just life' we say. You can't feel joy unless you feel pain right ? WRONG - that's the talk of the walking wounded ! ( I do believe that pain is a wonderful feedback system to let us know when we are not acting in harmony with Love. Pain lets us know where we need to correct ourselves and when. )

 I'm not suggesting that we can become pain free in an instant, that one great miracle from God will heal us over night with one little prayer - no, that's not what I'm suggesting. I am suggesting though that gradually, little by little, there is 'a way' to release all pain in our life for good ... granted it is a process. So what is this process that I am talking about ? And what are these wounds I keep going on about ? Sounds all a bit too depressing right ?

 Well, I have a little story for you which will hopefully illustrate to you just how high our pain thresholds are, and how holding onto them does not do us any favours.
  Imagine for a moment that you are being chased in the hot desert, running away from being attacked by a murderer in the vast sands. The adrenaline is running high, the sweat is pouring, the heart is pounding and nothing is going to stop you from getting away - NOTHING! because if you fall, you will be caught, and you will die, and so you desperately keep on running. Suddenly the murderer fires an arrow from the distance and it hits you in the left leg. You feel the pain and you falter, you stumble, you bleed, it hurts a lot, but you do not have time to stop and take the arrow out because the murderer will catch you up, and so you leave the arrow in, and you run away struggling with a limp. Not satisfied, the killer see's that you are still gaining considerable distance away from him, so he fires another arrow and it hits you in your right shoulder. You scream and feel the pain, blood splashes onto your shirt and you clutch onto the shoulder to ease the pain, you want to stop because it hurts, however the fear of being caught far outweighs the desire to stop and pull the arrow out, and so you eagerly carry on running, now with two arrows piercing your body. You are losing blood fast, but the adrenaline is now starting to numb the pain and you are running quite firm and strong. Fiercely, the attacker arches another arrow and aims for your other leg to take you out but he misses, and it whips into your right arm. This time, the pain is not so severe, you are already in too much pain from the other two shots to notice more suffering, so you just keep on running as if you have no injuries at all. The madman understands that if he fires more arrows into you, you will soon surely have to stop, and so he glides another arrow, and this time it spears into your back. Again, the pain is hardly noticed, its as if nothing has touched you. That's it, the killer has had enough and so fires one, two, three, four, five more arrows, all of which stab various parts of your body. Six, seven, eight more shots hit your legs, causing you to finally slow down. As the rain of arrows intensify, you progressively start to feel the pain once again and grunt in discomfort. Nine, ten, eleven more arrows are whizzed into your body, hitting major veins and arteries, blood is now oozing out of you, and with intense fear you try to get away. Confident, the cold killer smiles and aims carefully, he shoots another sharp silver arrow right through your back and into your heart ... and this is the final blow, it drops you to the floor instantly, but still no major pain. You look down at your chest and see the blood tipped arrow protruding from your chest. You look behind and see the killer is very close. He is running eagerly towards you to finish you off. By now, the fear is at its highest, you understand that you are about to do die, you fall to your knees in a pool of warm blood, eyes fixed at the killer as the fate of death is near. With nothing left to do and nowhere else to run, you open your arms and surrender. At last you stop ... your threshold has been broken, and you allow yourself to feel. In that moment of despair, heavily wounded, exasperated and covered in blood, you finally feel the full impact and severity of the pain that every arrow caused, these are the same arrows which only moments before you temporarily denied their total existence...and in your present pain you slowly mouth the words 'help me, somebody please help me'. - It's amazing the amount of pain we will put ourselves through before we ask for help.

 This 'asking for help' my dear friends is what I call 'prayer'. And the savior who comes to our rescue is what I call 'God'. The arrows fired into our body are what I call 'emotional injuries' to the soul. If the arrows are left in our body then we will surely bleed and feel pain. If emotional injuries are not felt and left in our soul to fester, we will surely suffer and feel pain - and this is what I call the 'walking wounded’.

 Do you ever wonder why most life threatening illnesses such as heart disease, diabetes,arthritis, dementia, brain injuries, organ failures and cancer ect do not develop as adults until we hit around Fifty to sixty years old and so on ? I believe this is because of years and years worth of denied emotional arrows that have been suppressed, such as grief, resentment, bitterness, anger, fear, rejection, lack of faith, demands, neediness, hate, disappointments, expectations and lack of love - IT'S TIME to pull out and feel those emotional arrows now so that they do not fester and cause you greater pain in your later years - because they will !

 If you would have told me years ago that one day I will believe in God, I would have absolutely disagreed with you. Not a cat in hells chance would I have accepted that notion. But slowly and surely, somehow ('somehow' meaning I desired to feel my emotional arrows) I started to believe that God just may exist, and so my experiments began !

I experiment most days if not everyday with my conversation / communication / relationship with God (my prayers). Some days I talk out loud or write out on paper "Hey God, I'm not feeling so happy today, what emotion am I avoiding ? " or  "Thank you for sending me that person today, they really helped me". Sometimes I might say "God I don't feel you really exist, how can I know that you do ?". Basically any question I have about anything, I take it to God. You can also experiment by not praying and not believing and see what happens then ? I use my life like a scientific experiment. I say yes to new things and experiences. I also reflect on the things that I have missed out on, and pray to have more courage next time to act quicker! The beauty of experimenting is that you embrace and open yourself up to life and all its possibilities and Gods great gifts ! ( learn more from my previous blog post - receiving love )
 " Let what I say sink deep into your memory and try the experiment. I know you do try, but try, and then try, and never cease trying. Love will come to you and with it faith, and then the knowledge, and then the ownership"- .taking from the 'padgett messages' given by Solomon. 20th April 1916 (wow, almost 100 years ago to the day)

 I will try now to grossly explain the stages and the process of how my own walking wounded self opened up to the existence to God. ( The steps below were the beginnings and foundation to my steps in prayer and faith) It went something like this -

1) I don't even know I have emotional wounds that cause me pain (physical, mental or emotional).
2) I start to become aware of patterns happening in my life that cause me pain, but I don't know what to do.
3) I start to become aware of patterns happening in my life that cause me pain, and I deny them, I shut my feelings down, I pretend they don't exist.
4) I start to become aware of patterns happening in my life that cause me pain, I learn denying my feelings no longer works as it's causing more suffering, so I try medication, therapy or use techniques and practices to try to change and stop the pain.
5) I start to become aware of patterns happening in my life that cause me pain and I realise that medication, therapy and techniques are a long process, they don't always work, and if they do, it's only temporary.
6) I start to think and contemplate that there must be another way to heal this pain ? (physically, mentally or emotionally.)
7) I try everything and nothing works and so in surrender I call out loud, 'please, if there is a God, please help me!'
8) If my calling was sincere, I start to feel a presence of this intense Love around me that wants to open my heart that I have never felt before. It starts to feel like these arrows of emotional injury are being slowly pulled out of me one by one with such a caring and compassionate hand, and it feels like I am being healed. The feeling that God may exist along with the feeling of being healed with Love is so overwhelming that it makes me cry, and with a deep sense of gratitude I cannot help but say thank you - Thank you. ( you cannot help but be deeply thankful when 'pain' has left your soul -growth has just occurred)
9) The more I feel, and the more I grieve, the more pain leaves my soul, and the more love pours in, and joy starts to stitch the lacerations of pain.
10) After feeling this grief through to the end, the pattern in my life which caused me pain no longer reappears -EVER. No further medication, techniques or practices are needed, because for the first time in my life 'I -feel -safe' - I lay down and feel safe in the hands of God. I feel that I am being taking care of and that everything is going to be ok ... everything is going to be ok.

 Unfortunately no amount of words I write can truly help you understand what I mean by receiving this thing called 'Gods love' for its something you have to experience, and so all I can urge you to do is 'try' and then try, and never cease trying. This clip shows perfectly in motion what I have written in words. Any questions, please ask.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Receiving Love - A heart of flesh

Always when I write my posts something amazing happens - My heart opens! Why ? because I am expressing myself. I am showing you, the reader, who I am, and what I feel, which yeah, its scary, but like everything in life, the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I'm learning more and more the importance of expressing myself, not my facebook self, I mean my true self. There is so much of Me, inside of me, that I have never shared with the world before. There are a few carefully selected number of friends who have seen the deeper side of me, but not many, and so, to be honest, its time to not be careful anymore - Why should only a few see the whole of me - same goes for you too ;)

'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom' - Anais Nin

Today's post was inspired whilst I was waking up this morning, laying there, pondering in bed about Love as I usually do, the subject hit me - ' Receiving Love'

One of the most painful emotions I have ever had to experience and still do experience to varying degrees, is the feeling of 'not' being able to receive and more importantly 'feel' the Love from another human being. Its especially more painful when that love is coming from a partner who loves you dearly. If you have also experienced this, then you know how painful it is for you, and for your partner. Its painful for 'you' because you know that you 'should' be able to feel this love but can't, and so all sorts of anger, frustrations and self punishments kick in as a result. Its also painful for your partner because they feel like their gift of Love is not valued or that their gift is being rejected, and as a consequence the flow of love between the two hearts is blocked, unfelt and causes major problems, often relationships break up for that reason alone - it's amazing how a shut down heart can rapidly destroy a promising relationship, and I'm seeing it happen everywhere - couples not truly sharing how they are truly feeling, mainly due for the fear of rejection, ironically by not sharing how they feel, they finally the break up anyway and all the reasons why they didn't share their feelings are confronted - and its painful,. And if that particular emotion has not been released then its likely you will move on to the next relationship and experience the same thing again, and its likely the cycle will continue,'Until' you open heart. I have felt the blow of that one, and I wish not to experience it again, and I wish not for you too.

 Not being able to 'allow love in' is so frustrating because intellectually, visually and physically you can sense that you are being loved but you just can't feel it in your heart as a 'knowing' ... and feeling is everything. Without 'feeling' you miss the experience of life as it was intended, and that means missing the many wonderful gifts of love. Sure, you can go through the motions of life, but who wants to just go through the motions ? That little letter 'E' before 'motion' makes all the difference.  Just lately, and this may sound cheesy, I am beginning to experience and feel the power of Love, and its blowing me away. Note: you cannot intellectualise emotions they have to be Felt - and its amazing how many of us don't know the difference.

In past relationships girlfriends have said to me 'I love you' ... my mind would then register the words,  I would feel the warmth for a bit, but then the deeper feelings of my heart would often loom in sometime after telling myself -  'I don't believe you ' ! And believe me, this feeling is crippling and soul destroying. My poor ex girlfriends could tell me 'I love you' until they were blue in the face, crying on the floor, and I still would not believe them - However, half of the problem is not believing that they loved me...  the major problem was believing and feeling that I am indeed 'loveable'- I'm certain I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this.

So whats going on here ? how on Earth can a person not feel loved when love is being sent their way ? And why would they even want to block it ? Answer - FEAR of feeling GRIEF

Our poor little hearts have these emotional filters which can often block the feelings of love coming into its centre - its like the heart has this invisible protective barrier around it which says 'don't you fucking dare hurt me'... When love comes near, fear pushes it away, like knights around a castle protecting the Queen.
But how and why would my heart fear getting hurt by Love?  Mainly due to the withdraw of love from our childhood experiences, or from emotions which have been passed down through the generations. The withdraw of love is replaced with fear - and then this fear lodges its self inside of us right up into adult years and beyond, we can even take our fears to the grave if we don't manage to shake them off before hand. We have all sorts fears in our hearts about Love. 

And that's why we get angry. Crazy eh ! Most people don't know this, but when we get angry for any reason, we are only trying to avoid our fear - and ultimately we want avoid the feeling of grief we hold onto deep within our souls. These feelings of grief I'm talking about, most don't even know that they exist, because they are so de-tuned and numb to their true feelings - Hence why physical addictions are rife in society like alcohol, cigarettes, food and sex. Feeling sad, have a drink. Feeling nervous, have a cigarette. Feeling out of control, have some food. Feeling lonely, have some sex - We do anything to avoid feeling the feelings !

When I see couples arguing and bickering I think to myself  'Oh for Gods sake will one of you just break down and cry '. All it would take would be for one of them to connect to their grief and the love would do the rest. Love has amazing powers to restore anything that is broken - Miracles happen you might say. Next time you find yourself getting angry at someone or something - Stop - and ask yourself  'What fear or grief am I trying to avoid' and if you are sincere in your asking, you will eventually feel what it is, and it will probably make you cry. Healing is in the grieving.

 I read recently in the Huffington post 'The 5 regrets of the dying'. It was a study by a woman called Bronnie Ware, who ended up in palliative care, helping those who were dying. She later compiled a list of the 5 regrets of the dying. Number 3 of regrets from those were dying said  -I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. 
She explains -
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
"visit the link to see the rest - http://www.lifebuzz.com/5-regrets/

 In this film clip we see the perfect example of what I have been writing about today. I hope this inspires you to open your heart -

Monday, March 24, 2014

The C word - C@#(*$$!*N

Today I really want to write about the power of Truth ... and more directly I want to talk about the power of Confession. YES the type of confession you hear about at church !!! Don't get scared now by the two C words. These days, its easy to think that 'confession+church = punishment' ... but today I will attempt to dispel those myths. Granted some religions do believe in punishment and a wrathful God, If you have experienced that, then I am sorry, cos that's not what I'm talking about today.

So why is confession so important to our personal freedom ?

Well something amazing happens when you confess to something. There are so many emotions blocked up and locked up inside of us, and one of the most powerful ways to let them out - is to literally SAY IT OUT LOUD . There are some easy things which we say out loud to each other all the time, however, if most of us are Truly honest, there are also darker stories that we let nobody know about at all - skeleton closet syndrome. The confessions that we keep hidden don't necessarily have to be negative things like 'I stole money from your purse', it could easily be a confession of telling somebody ' I love you ', which many of us humans have just as much trouble with. However, the common feeling which underpins and prevents our confessions is Fear. I can't say that- What will they think ? What if they go crazy ? What if they reject me ? What if they hit me ? What if they leave me ? What if I feel ashamed ? What if I cant handle it ? What if, what if what if ...

Can I just confess out loud to myself , is that as powerful to help free me ?

Yes you can, firstly confessing to ourselves is normally where it starts, however, we can then also just as easily talk ourselves out of what we have just confessed because we know that know body knows. Although writing out your confessions on paper is very a powerful practice and I highly recommend it.  For some reason though, confessions which are said out loud to another person seem to make the experience more REAL and alive. One of the major reasons why we don't confess is because of the feelings of shame. We carry so much shame as adults, its incredible and insane. For me, shame is one of the most crippling feelings we posses as human beings. And so, when we confess to another, we have a better chance of getting to feel the deeper emotions of shame, this is because we have faced the fear of letting somebody else KNOW who we Truly are !

Ironically what normally happens when you confess is that the other person does not respond in the fearful ways you imagined, but rather, they tend to respond with compassion and care, to which you wouldn't have known if you hadn't of confessed - that's the power of Truth - it promotes Love ! If the person does react in an unloving way to your confession, it doesn't matter from your point of view, the expression of Truth healed you. We can never be responsible for somebody else's emotions, and this is why personal responsibility is paramount.

Two or so years ago, my world turned upside down.  I was about to live in the glorious Spanish mountains with my girlfriend and her little boy, to settle and live the dream on two acres of fruit filled land. But the story didn't turn out that way. No sooner had the dream begun, the relationship broke up, business fell apart, I ran dry of money, and I was back living with my Mum in the North of England. Having a deep chat with my Mum one day brought me to confession, through a serious of questions from my Mum, I couldn't hold in my emotions any longer. My confession erupted along with an explosion of tears and grief  ' Mum, I feel so ashamed that I'm 35 and it feels like I don't know how to get my life together '. There it was, not only did I admit my feelings of powerlessness, I cried in front of my Mum like a weak and broken Man, and I felt ashamed - Big strong boys don't do that right ? Shame.

note:  ( children are constantly told to not cry -  either compassionately 'There there, stop crying' or aggressively 'Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about ' -  it is very very damaging to prevent a child from feeling its emotions.  Allowing your children to cry will help free them as adult in ways you never imagined - conversely, crying as an adult helps free up your children )

Pretending to feel strong when we are at our weakest is one the most pressurizing feelings to hold on too and eventually creates major illness to our bodies through stress or depression ect .  One of the hardest things to say as a human being is 'I need help ' Why ? - because of the shameful feeling of being weak and feeling powerless. It has just occurred as to me that those who commit suicide do so (not exclusively), because they would rather die than feel the shame of being weak, that's how outrageously destructive the feeling of shame is.

The reason why we don't confess is because we DO NOT want to feel what will happen when we do. But like I said, not feeling our blocked up and locked emotions is damaging to us, it prevents us from feeling the love and joy in our lives that we were intended to feel and express. Attempting to suppress emotions causes sickness in our bodies and it deteriorates our material world - eventually causing our own death one way or another ! So just how important is telling the Truth ... VERY

Ways to confess :

Firstly just try to be Truthful with yourself. Say out loud how you Truly feel, no holding back.

Another way is write out your feelings in a journal. Its really powerful to write out specific things about yourself that you feel you are ashamed of, or embarrassed of, or regret, or that you are sorry for ... Go back into your childhood right up to your adulthood and write down all the things you Truly feel about shame, embarrassment, fear - write down any emotion you wish to express, the ones that you have never allowed yourself to feel, and see what happens !

Confessing to a person who you do not know but trust like a Councillor or a mentor of some sort, priest, friend of the family or even a friend , it doesn't matter who, but expressing your feelings to another human will help you to feel and purge your emotions in ways you never knew existed.

Finally of course there is confessing your feelings or actions to the actual person, family member, lover, friend or society that you have impacted upon. This can be one of the most fearful things to do, however it is powerful beyond belief. Your soul with thank you in infinite ways when you confess and tell the Truth to the causes that you fear most. It takes courage, because we never know what will happen. And that's why most people keep shtum ! In my experience so far, I have ALWAYS felt relief and a sense of growth after confessing truth, and I have confronted some pretty scary personal subjects. I am not perfect yet of course, and I will be 'tested' (gifted the opportunity to be truthful) many more times for sure.

The more you confess and tell the Truth , the more love you will feel as a consequence, and from that, the more Faith you will build that the Truth will indeed set you Free , even if that means you physically go to prison for telling truth, its the feeling of liberation inside is that counts !

Telling the Truth or confessing may not be always be easy, and it may take us sometime to be honest all of the time no matter the outcome. Sometimes our subject matters are very very sensitive and expressing the Truth may totally change our life, but from my experience, confessing is a liberating experience, and the lightness you feel afterwards, feels like a blessing you never dreamed possible. Like I said it doesn't always have to be something bad that you confess, telling a person you Love them or that you appreciate them also transforms lives just as much, so don't forget to do that too.

The more we express and confess, ultimately the more love and joy we will feel in our bodies and in our lives.
The less we express and withhold truth, the more pain we will feel in our bodies and in our lives.

In closing, I highly recommend watching this film clip which demonstrates perfectly the power of confession. And in all seriousness, if you feel like you would like to talk with me about any of your life problems and confess, or if you wish to inquire more about what I have just wrote about, then please get in touch, never suffer in silence - my email is perrykhaldenby@gmail.com we can then speak on the phone or meet if that's possible.