A stolen glance

O what has become of me?
I sense that I was once pure ...
Thump!
But not any more.
"You think too much" they say, "You're striving for perfection when perfection is impossible", "You're better off just lightening up a little", "Let your hair down" ... "Have a little fun" ... "You only live once",
"Besides"..."Everybody does it".
"What they don't know, doesn't harm".
"You can look but you can't touch".
"You can read the menu as long as you do not order and eat the meal".
... "You're only human after all".

 Is it True what they say, God. Am I too picky, too frigid, too rigid in my thoughts ? Am I striving for the impossible? Am I too hard on my self? Am I crazy to believe the words written in the olden days ...  "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart "

Surely that bar is set too high!
Surely those words are trying to tame and stifle the loins of bygone men?
Surely those words cannot apply to the modern liberated man,
What of his freedom?

Aye but no Lord, those words of the prophet ring true upon my soul,
I feel it my bones, my longings... my heart.
Guilt has gotten a hold of my conscience, and it wont let up.
My thoughts torture my mind like a dripping cold tap.
There's no escape.
I believe God that these pressing feelings have been imbued by you, to help guide me in the right direction, casting out instant pleasures and debauchery of the flesh.
My sin has been seen by the light of your love, and its warmth bends me like a bow towards the ever lasting eternal joy and promised land.
Have any of your children lived this truth?
I only know of one.
Aye Lord, I have that feeling which knows that you are the way to goodness. And that of my current way only leads to suffering.
O how I pray to walk your path.

But still, I cannot lie, I am not yet as sincere as you would have me be...
I want my way to be the way, for my faith in you is not yet full. I refrain from following you for I am too steeped in my desires and pleasures that give me frivolous excitement. Even in the act, I know my attempts for true joy are but temporary... I know I will not be fruitful, yet I carry on collecting invisible apples, always left with empty hands and always left with an empty heart.
I even lie to myself and say 'just this once won't harm', deep down knowing that this 'once' will turn into twice and thrice more...
My heart sinks a little deeper,
My integrity loosens and gives more slack to the cord,
the cord that shines over yonder,
connecting me to my one true love.
It is slipping.

O Lord free me from my selfish ways, for just once I want to know what true Love feels like. Does it truly promise your Kingdom? O how my head bows in shame for I am far from your promise.
Yet you know my shame.
Yet you know my pain,
I pray your hand will reach inside my soul and rid me of this burden.
I pray Lord that my eyes lay only upon the one you created for me.
May I believe the words of my grandmother when she used to say "As God made them, he paired them".

My eyes have stolen glances saved for another mans heart.
O forgive me for I have sinned.
May I be born again. May I become a new creature so that when my brother sees my eyes flicker at the sight of his beloved, he knows they are only adjusting to the brightness of her soul.
And when my eyes look down in her presence, it is not to hide my appetite, but tis only to acknowledge her presence.

Let me not follow the way of the common man.
Let me not lower my bar to excuse myself.
Let me instead follow the ones who were once mortal...
The ones who now sing amongst the choirs in the brightest of the celestial spheres.
Let me follow the ones who raised their bars so high that calling upon your hand was their only savoir from falling.
Let me have such faith.
If I cannot go alone, then let them be my guide.

And if I must rub shoulders with the sheep, let it be that I am a shepherd.
Let it be that I am full to the brim with hope and faith and that my heart beholds your gracious love and truth.
Let me not go back to the herds wearing only the shepherd's cloak.
Let my staff not be made of ash.
Let my words be golden to match the colours of my heart.
And if I must be a sheep, then Lord, may you be my shepherd.
I wish not to be blind, nor to take the hand of the blind.
For only you God can see the full light.

Let my heart be so pure that there is no need to turn my eyes when another man's half crosses my path.
May my brother have such trust in me, that I could see his woman's naked flesh, and the only thing that stirs me is the joy of knowing her heart.

O Lord,
forgive me for I have sinned.