...and then after a while, somehow, the thing in which you totally believed in ...just ... erm ... well ... collapses.
When I was about 10 or 11 years old I remember playing with my cousin and his friend. We were trying to build a pyramid by standing on each others backs. My cousin became the base, holding his friend tightly upon his upper body. The idea was that I would then stand on his friends back to complete the circus trick, but the friend was stacked too high for me. I had the idea to climb a street lamp to gain more height, for that would give me enough clearance to jump on top. We were all a little nervous and shaky, but at the same time we were laughing with anticipation and excitement. Eventually I was high enough on the street lamp. I jumped with a big smile, with cheeks flapping in the wind and I securely landed on top... success, cheers, extreme giggles, we did it, the human pyramid was built and I was top ... and I was on top ... for about 3 seconds until the pyramid collapsed and I fell off backwards and cracked my head on the metal street lamp.
There was a split second of silence ... then screams. I cant remember how painful it was right now, but I do remember the shocked look on my cousins face when he saw my head, which told me it must be bad. There was no blood, but there was a lump the size of a golf ball and my vision was blurred. Hospital diagnosis ... slight fracture to my skull ...ouch .
BUT how did that all happen ... one second I was feeling on top of the world, I could see the clear horizons ahead where the sky meets the hills, steadying myself on the peak of the pyramid with only my laughter supporting me... and in the next moment, I'm screaming, flat faced on the concrete floor, my heads pounding, my vision is blurred, and the only horizon I see is where the road meets the pavement.
Whats the point of this story ? ... well ... that's how I am feeling right now. I'm feeling like my pyramid has just collapsed, Ive somehow lost hope, the struggle is to much, I hit the bottom ... again, I'm exhausted . I noticed my last few posts have been quite up beat and positive. I was feeling really confident about my blog posts, my writing style and ideas but these last few day's Ive started to doubt myself. I was the 'pinball wizard' pinging the electrical words flashing "Yes this is it, Yes this is it", I was hitting top scores, I had activated the multiple ball power play which encouraged me to tap quicker with my 'flippers', making them display tricks and squeal nosies like the famous dolphin which shares the same name.
So what happened ? ... who pulled the plug on my pinball machine? who told flipper that he couldn't swim ? Who told the Egyptians that they could knock off work early and stop building the pyramid of my life ? ... Then I remembered ! ... I'm learning that that is the nature of passion and desires.
Passions and desires have been my hot topic lately. I'm feeling that passions and desires are the driving force of life. Hence when I am not feeling passionate in any area of my life, I feel like I'm dying.
When we follow our passions and desires there will come a point when we will always hit a brick wall. These bricks we can call 'wounds' or 'injuries' within the soul. These wounds may come in the form of thoughts like ' I'm not good enough', 'I will never be able to do that', 'I don't have enough experience', 'I don't have the right qualifications', 'I'm not talented enough', 'I don't have enough money',' That would never happen to someone like me', 'It's because of my back ground I won't be successful', 'There are so many more people already doing that better than me', 'I'm not clever enough', 'I'm not that lucky' ... I'm not, I'm not, I'm not ... you catch my drift.
In varying degrees and depending on the subject matter, I find myself blocked by these very same bricks. In fact, this last week I have been totally 'bricked up'. Ive been having the feelings that the life I desire for myself is going to be totally impossible. Everything that I've been learning about love, God and myself, I have been feeling like 'how on Earth' is this ever going to happen ... 'I must be crazy' and that 'none of 'Truth's' that I'm learning about the Divine Love Path are True'. When I got into this process, it wasn't long before the doubt totally took over and the desire I had for my life's adventures digressed. Maybe I do need a doctor after all.
Of course I could just dust myself down, pick myself up, take myself off somewhere to relax and forget about those feelings, rest and fill up my energy tank... which is in fact what I did. I'm writing this blog post from the comfort of my brothers home. The truth is ... if I do not fully feel and release the feelings which are getting me down, those same feelings will one day come popping back up again like a ping pong ball trying to be submerged in water. I could go through my whole life 'picking myself up' from the same reoccurring doubtful feelings until I deal with the root cause. That's what inspires me so much about the Divine love path process, it heals the root cause of all wounds and injuries within the soul. I'm learning that these wounds are created from our environment as early as the time of conception, and within this process, all of the fears that our parents hold within their soul's are actually compounded and projectd into our soul.
Last week I started to feel doubt and fear in my life's desires, which then gave me the feeling that I should not write my blogs anymore. The familiar feelings daunting me all over again, although this time something has changed. Somehow this time my 'will power' was stronger than before, and in stead of giving up the desire of writing, I was actually able to use this experience to give me a subject matter to write about ... ironically, one of the blocks I was stressing about was that I couldn't think of anything interesting to write about, which made me panic, believing that my new passion and desire for writing had been squashed for ever... so I'm really pleased that I have been able to push on through ... like I wrote in a previous post, 'small steps to big change'.
Passions and Desires are just one small part of the Divine Love Path. I could write pages and pages about this one subject alone, so I am gonna leave it there for now. For more info about the Divine Love Path visit http://www.divinetruth.com/ and for the movie to accompany today's blog and the way I have been feeling watch this clip... p.s. what I am loving and learning about true passions and desires is that a person who follows their passion, does so just for the love of it. There are no expectaions, no prizes to be won, no big rewards, no status, no looking good and maybe never any thank you's in return... for it's all a gift... Thank you for reading if you took the time out to do so, I had so much trouble and joy writing this post which was a great experience for ME x Enjoy x
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